Ep 4 - All By Myself

Izzy hurts a family member. Polar Bears take the plunge. The possibilities (and Bonus End Scenes) are endless.

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Created (and voiced) by real life husband-and-wife Anne Gregory (Parks And Rec) & Sean Casey  (Hollywood Darlings). 

Sound Design, Editing & Mixing - Landon Kirksey 

Featuring the voice talents of:

Izzy Casey - Anne Gregory
Christmas Steve - Patrick McIntyre (The List)
Ben Douglass - Sean Casey
Susan Casey -  Jen Burton (I’m Sorry)
Margaret Casey - Julie Brister (Goliath)
Brendan Casey -  Dave Theune (I Am Not Okay With This)
Various -  Landon Kirksey (TripTank) 

Christmas Steve was recorded Oct/Nov 2020, with each voice actor performing remotely. Series Producer, Landon Kirksey , coordinated performance footage taken on phones, from inside closets, and across three timezones, and blended them together seamlessly to make each scene sound as if it was recorded together. With over 163 pages of scripted material.

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Transcript

Christmas Steve - EPISODE 4 INT. CASEY HOME The Caseys enter. Izzy storms through the front door and stomps upstairs. SFX: front door open. Stomping up stairs. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) I was home for the holidays and my quest for true love, though once promising, wasn’t exactly going as planned. BRENDAN (calling after) Izzy, honey! We’re sorry. We didn’t know Christmas Steve had a very shapely girlfriend. MARGARET (yelling upstairs) Or an ‘old flame who’s also his  business partner.’ SFX: running upstairs, down the hall. MARGARET ‘Partner’ can mean so many things these days. SFX: Bedroom door slam. BRENDAN Your mother and I are just as confused as you! SFX: door open. IZZY (frustrated yell) I’m NOT confused! Unh!! SFX: door slam. BRENDAN (normal voice) Well we are very confused. I mean, are Steve and Nikki all business or do they have business in the bedroom? I dunno. Maybe it’s none of my business. MARGARET I’m not confused. SUSAN Yah, they definitely bump uglies. MARGARET Yah. Instagram official. SUSAN Did you see their body language? Their crotches were angled at each other like sexy crotch-magnets. IZZY I CAN HEAR YOU!!! BRENDAN Is she okay? IZZY (muffled ugly cry sobs) WAHHHH. SUSAN Izzy’s a grown-up. She’ll snap back. We hear the sobbing grow EVEN LOUDER. MARGARET Let’s turn on some music. MUSIC CUE: Sad, downbeat Christmas music like the Peanuts Christmas Special. INT. IZZY’S BEDROOM Izzy’s having a full-on sad-attack. Her ‘adult’ clothes are on the floor, in a pile. She’s back to her regressed look of sweatpants, hair in a scrunchie. She wipes away ugly-cry tears and squeezes her Furby tight. IZZY (crying, sniffles.) NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) (play underneath her crying?) What I thought I had with Steve turned out to be a big fat lie. Who kisses their business partner on the cheek and has crotch-magnet body language. Or am I freaking out. We’d only been on two dates. I ruined it all at the restaurant, flipping out in front of the entire freaking town. What was I gonna do?!? I’ll tell ya. I called my therapist. No, not my new one who just went out of network. My old therapist. My original therapist - my dog. Barkley. BARKELY Ears-perking-up dog sound. ? IZZY (to her dog) Why, Barkely? Why am I so stupid? He’s too handsome. He probably never even liked me. WAAAA! BARKLEY Sad dog sound. IZZY But I’m alone in Los Angeles. I’m alone in here in Milwaukee.  AUGH!! BARKLEY Sad dog sound. IZZY I KNOW! I’LL NEVER FIND ANYONE THAT PUT TOGETHER EVERY AGAAAAIIIIIN! PLAY THIS SCENE OUT, IMPROV-WISE? TOO ‘MAGICAL’ w/ DOG RESPONSE? NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) He’s a good listener. She puts her pillow over her head and cries into it. SFX: Sad music outtro. INT. CASEY HOME - ENTRYWAY - LATER Margaret, Brendan, and Susan are dressed in their winter coats, ready to leave. MARGARET (calling up) Izzy? We’re leaving for Bayshore Mall in case you want to go. SUSAN I’m gonna go ham on some Honeybaked ham. You in? IZZY (O.S.) (shouting from upstairs) I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a snow globe! BRENDAN Self harm is nothing to josh about.  MARGARET We left you a chore list for when you’re feeling less sorry for yourself. Don’t forget to feed Barkley, please! IZZY (O.S.) Hope he can survive on misery and desolation, like me. BRENDAN Honestly, I’m worried about her. MARGARET She’ll be fine. She always was a dramatic child. INT. IZZY’S BEDROOM Izzy hears the front door close. She peels herself off the bed and shuffles downstairs.  IZZY I’m not a child. I’m a full grown woman. I’m a DOCTOR. But if you treat me like a teenager with a ‘chore list’, then maybe I will act like a teenager! Right, Barkley?! SFX: inquisitive dog sound. Musical Cue: I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) I looked at the list my family left. It was a Nice list. Time to make it a ‘Naughty’ one. Item one: Clean up the Kitchen. Let’s start with the liquor cabinet. What’s this bottle? Does it matter?    SFX: drinking sound. Followed by spitting sound. IZZY BLAUGH. Creme De Menthe... (shrug) Eh. SFX: drinks again. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) Item Two: Put away the extra tree ornaments. No prob. You just gently pack them away-- SFX: popping sounds as she throws and breaks them. IZZY (V.O.) Like your dream (pop) of ever (pop) finding (pop) someone special! (pop, pop). SFX: Barkley nervous sound. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) Item 3: Take a little break. Calm down. Watch some sappy, crappy holiday movies. SFX: tv dialogue drone in background “Peanuts-style wah-wahs” IZZY (to tv) Oh no, TV people. It won’t happen like that, you pathetic idiots because he’s got some secret handsy sidepiece NAMED NIKKI, just lurking around somewhere, ready to steal him back from you! NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) Number 4: Post a selfie. Okay, that’s just for me. IZZY (V.O.) Click. SFX: typing IZZY (typing) Who needs a man when you got Rudolph on your undies? SFX: bwoop. Posted. IZZY Delete selfie. Yes, I’m sure. SFX: click. Click. IZZY And the Last item on any To Do list: Remember you are utterly defective and will never find love. Music Ends. SFX: Whump! IZZY Barkley? What’s wrong, doggie?  SFX: Barkley moan. IZZY What’s this pile of wrappers? He ate the Advent Calendar. You ate all the chocolates! Dogs can’t eat chocolate. No no no. (then to dog) Oh buddy, are you okay? Pathetic dog groan. Izzy panics and looks up a number on her phone. SFX: phone rings and pick up. RECEPTIONIST (on phone) North Shore Veterinary Clinic. IZZY (on phone) I have an emergency. (to dog) Hold on, Barkley. Keep it together. (to self) Both of us.  SFX: not-gross barf sound. ‘hunh’ IZZY That was the Creme De Menthe. So much green. Music Transition. INT. VET EXAM ROOM - NIGHT Izzy comforts Barkley. He lets out a low, sad moan. SFX: door open NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) So at my lowest possible point and highest possible blood alcohol content, I took my sick dog to see not-real-doctor Ben. BEN (looking at chart) Okay, Barkley, I’m Dr. Ben. Looks like you’ve been getting into Santa’s milk and cookies. Ben looks up and sees IZZY. BEN Izzy? Hi.  IZZY (sheepish) Hi. BEN You look. You look... IZZY (blows out cheeks) Dr. Ben, be honest. Have you been drinking? BEN No. IZZY (tipsy) Me? I raided my parents’ liquor cabinet, but all they had was Creme De Menthe. So no. I have also not been drinking. BEN Your tongue is green. IZZY (ignoring him) Is my dog going to be okay? BEN Right. Let me see. Hey Barkley-- Ben approaches the dog. IZZY Watch out. He’s old and cranky and hates most strangers. Ben pets Barkley who LOVES IT. BEN Well, I’m no stranger, right fella? Yeah, you’re not feeling so hot, but we’ll get you sorted out.  Barkley pants and wags his tail. IZZY Wow, he never does that. BEN Animals are easier than people. They’re not as... conflicted. IZZY It’s all my fault. I messed up. I was feeling...sorry for myself and distracted and didn’t notice until he’d eaten all the chocolate. Ben continues examining Barkley (looking at his pupils and throat, etc.) BEN Hmm. IZZY Hmm? BEN Uh huh. Where did this chocolate come from? IZZY Advent calendars. BEN And how much did you pay for them? IZZY I don’t know. My mom bought them so they’re definitely bargain ones. Like three bucks maybe? BEN Good news. He’ll be fine. At that price point, that’s not real chocolate.  IZZY Phew. I’ve never been so happy that my family’s cheap.  BEN That about does it. Just make sure he’s hydrated and he’ll be fine. Won’t you? BARKELY (happy panting) IZZY ... Thank you. You really helped him. Us. Thank you so much, Dr. Ben. BEN You’re welcome. And I’m surprised. IZZY By what? BEN You didn’t even mention-- He lifts up his lab coat. REVEAL: he’s wearing shorts. IZZY Ah, shorts under lab coat. Classic. Ha. It’s not important. Who cares what you do or don’t put on your legs.  She and Barkley turn to go. BEN Hey, Liz-- IZZY Yeah? BEN Uh, this is maybe bad timing, but... would you want to go out sometime? Izzy thinks for a second-- IZZY Isn’t that unethical? It violates some sort of doctor/patient relationship. BEN I’m not asking Barkley out. I’m asking you out. IZZY Well, then. Sure. That’d be nice. (a beat and then) C’mon Barkley. SFX: dog paws clicking on tile. Door close. BEN Yuss! Yusss! SFX: door re-opens. IZZY Forgot my phone. Ben composes himself. BEN Of course. You’ll find it right there. He motions with his head, holding his awkward pose as if it were intentional.  IZZY Got it. Thanks. She grabs the phone. He hasn’t moved. IZZY It’s okay that you’re celebrating. It’s flattering. BEN Phew. Thanks. He drops the pose. She leaves. BEN (calling after her) Can you have that green tongue on our date? It’s very festive. IZZY (O.S.) (yelling back) No! BEN CAN I? IZZY (O.S.) (laughing) NO! FESTIVE MUSIC TRANSITION. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) So, good news, Barkley was fine. And surprising news? I was going on a date with Ben. I dunno. Something about seeing him with Barkley made me see him in a different light. And it gave me something to look forward to, so let’s just skip over anything else that went down during that time and get right to our date the next day. AND IT’S OUTDOORS AGAIN. EXT. LAKE MICHIGAN LAKEFRONT - DAY SFX: windy, freezing. IZZY (chilly) Oof. BEN Keep walking. We’re close. I promise. IZZY (red-nosed & windy) This is revenge isn’t it, Ben? For High School. That’s your game. You’re planning on throwing me in Lake Michigan. BEN Ha, no. We’re almost there. I don’t want to miss it. They stop at a bluff overlooking the beach. BEN (whisper) ... et voilà. Izzy looks out. IZZY I’m confused. There’s nothing here except miles of frozen lake. Also, why are we whispering? Nobody’s here.    BEN Look! NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) So I looked. And I saw them-- MUSIC CUE - Goofy, fun music. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) -- a hodgepodge group of people of all ages and sizes slip-sliding across the ice. Some were dressed, some were in robes, but most... were in swimsuits. Only swimsuits, in December weather. IZZY They aren’t doing this of their own volition are they? Somebody’s making them do this? BEN Nope.  IZZY No. HEY, DON’T DO IT! BEN I present to you that rarest of animal sightings... the fearless, noble, polar bears of South Wisconsin. The group runs into the FREEZING lake. SFX: splashes and whoops They are LOVING IT. IZZY Why?! Why would people do that?! BEN Isn’t it insane? IZZY (laughing) Yes! I feel like I’m getting hypothermia just looking at them. BEN Me too! I love they just go for it, but it looks like torture. I have no idea why they do it. SFX: more splashes and whoops and hollers. IZZY (admiring) They do it because they want to. And they don’t care what anybody else thinks. SFX: more splashes and whoops. BEN You... you don’t want to go in, do you? IZZY Oh God no. BEN Whew. I’ll be honest. You had me scared for a second.  IZZY Oh, I’d die twice. BEN Yeah, why are we even outside right now? IZZY I don’t know! Oh yeah, because you brought me here, ya jerk! BEN That’s right! I’m terrible. IZZY You are. Let’s get out of here before we get frostbite. BEN Great. You hungry? IZZY I’m always hungry. Ben laughs. BEN Yeah... He almost goes in for a kiss. SFX: BIG cannonball splash sound and whoops. IZZY Whoa. BEN Whoa. The moment’s passed. IZZY Wow. I’m in awe. They’re clearly nuts... but it’s kind of beautiful, isn’t it? Ben looks at Izzy - she’s beautiful to him. BEN (’as you wish’) Yeah. They are. IZZY Um, my nose is running. I’m so snotty. BEN I’m so snotty! SFX: The wind picks up. IZZY This is the worst! BEN Absolute worst! IZZY Can we go eat somewhere? Inside? BEN The holidays are about family, right?  IZZY Are you taking me to meet your family??? INT. OLIVE GARDEN - AFTERNOON SFX: restaurant interior ambient noise. Plates, glasses, etc. SFX: Italian Christmas song cover? IZZY Olive Garden. The goddamn Olive Garden? BEN Yes, Olive Garden. IZZY (realizing) You said “the holidays are about family.” BEN So here we are, being treated like family. IZZY At Olive Garden. BEN You’re only saying it like that because you’ve been conditioned to overlook The Garden of Olives. You think you’re cooler than Olive Garden. Well, you’re not. Nobody is. And that’s not because you’re not cool, it’s because unending delicious pasta and breadsticks is. So dig in. IZZY ... Fine. Izzy eats a breadstick. IZZY Mmm. This is actually really good! This breadstick is really good. BEN Of course it is. It’s BREAD.  IZZY It’s like if garlic had a dream and that dream was a cloud. BEN Sounds right to me. Go to town. A little fade out convo-- MUSIC TRANSITION - TIME PASSES BEN (silent burp) Excuse me. IZZY You gonna eat that last-- BEN All yours. IZZY (between bites) So it’s like, when I’m in Milwaukee, I’m really in Milwaukee, ya know? It’s just something about being at home. I think I put all this pressure on myself. BEN (teasing) We’ve all noticed. IZZY Thanks. But in Los Angeles, I’m just in my lane and focused on work. I don’t know why I suddenly obsess about finding someone when I’m back here. Is it the water maybe? BEN The frozen water? The stuff we Wisconsinites call ‘snow’? IZZY (affected LA vocal fry) Say it again. Is that, like, a science word? Because in LA our weather is based on vibes and feelings. BEN I think you feel it because you’re back where you grew up, back at your parents’ place.  IZZY Where should I stay instead? With you? BEN I mean, sure. I wouldn’t hate that. But I feel the same thing when I crash at my folks house. I see all these mementos from high school - science fair trophies, more science fair trophies, my old bass guitar. IZZY (remembering) You were in a band. BEN Yes I was. IZZY (remembering) Oh, what was it called? BEN You’re not gonna remember. IZZY No- BEN It was like a full sentence. IZZY (reaching) “Now That’s an Impressive--” BEN --Parking Job. IZZY Parking Job! Now That’s An Impressive Parking Job. (playful) Impressive name. BEN Too much for merch. Doesn’t fit on Tees.  A beat. BEN And you do remember us, huh? You remember me. IZZY Of course I remember you, Ben. We were in all the nerd classes together. BEN Riiiiight. And, as a result, we were both pretty geeky. So, I guess it makes sense when we go back home and stay in our childhood bedrooms, we’re reminded of that fact. It’s shoved in our face, so we want to prove that we’re finally cooler now that we’re adults, but... who cares. Maybe we’re just meant to be ourselves. IZZY Yeah. (then) Although, I wasn’t that dorky in highschool-- BEN Uh, ya playin’. We were both the hugest dweebs and that’s okay. IZZY Yeah, but... didn’t you ever want to reinvent yourself? Lose the shorts-- BEN The shorts. What is it with the shorts? You’ve seen me in pants. IZZY You pulled down my pants. BEN And I’m still living it down. IZZY Hey. You pull ‘em down, you live it down. BEN Okay, you wanna know why I wear shorts all year? Get ready for this. Big reveal. Because I like to. There’s no reason. No big backstory. I wasn’t saved from a burning building by a firefighter in swim trunks. IZZY That’s oddly specific. BEN I like to and it doesn’t hurt anybody. Maybe it’s weird or stupid or whatever, but not everything in Life’s part of some big test to be aced. And all we can do is learn to accept ourselves with all our weird bits and hopefully find someone else who does too. IZZY Sometimes I think I have too many ‘quirks.’ BEN Are you kidding? You have the perfect amount. IZZY ... Thanks. Beat. BEN I’m better with animals than I am with some people. You want a top off? IZZY Sure. BEN I dress funny. I take a girl I like to The Olive Garden... He said he likes her! IZZY ...Which is perfect. BEN Bang for your buck? Absolutely. Izzy takes it in. IZZY (like she’s about to say “I love you”) Hey, Ben--- BEN ... Yeah? IZZY You should keep wearing shorts. You’ve got nice gams. BEN Please post that on Bumble. We done here? IZZY Umm...another pitcher of wine. BEN Small one. IZZY Small. BEN Copy that. Two red smallies. One for each of us. Thank you. Oh, how I love you, Olive Garden! IZZY Yes! I accept you, Olive Garden! MUSIC TRANSITION EXT. CASEY HOME - DRIVEWAY - AFTERNOON Ben helps Izzy out of his Prius. BEN Well, we’re back. Be careful getting out. The ice is very slippery. IZZY Thanks. SFX: double door open. BEN I’ll walk you to the door. SFX: double door close. Izzy looks at the driveway. IZZY Oh my God, it’s the same place you jumped me the other night! BEN I like to think I’ve upped my game since then. IZZY No more surprising women? BEN I’m definitely liking it better when she surprises me. A flirty beat. Are they going to kiss? IZZY Same. Well, I might have one more surprise in store--    BEN You’re leaning in? Alright, let’s do this-- Izzy goes in for a KISS and Ben leans in, but he SLIPS on the icy driveway. SFX: zwip! Thunk. BEN Ow. I slipped on the ice. SFX: balloon-fumbling sound. Plus jingles. BEN I may be stuck in the inflatable reindeer. IZZY Oh no-- Ben gets up.  SFX: balloon fumbling again. plus jingles. BEN Ahhhh. That’s gonna leave a mark. He holds his hand to a RAPIDLY SWELLING FOREHEAD INJURY. IZZY Oof. Your forehead Let me-- BEN It’s okay. It’s okay. I got it. Where were we? Ben goes in for a kiss but his head injury looks brutal. IZZY Ben, you’re really swelling up. Let me look. I am a doctor. BEN I know! I am, too. IZZY I mean, you’re not a doctor doctor. Here, remove your hand. He fends off her attempts to examine his injury. BEN (embarrassed) Hey, buy a guy dinner before you get all handsy.  IZZY I should drive you home. BEN (attempted levity) Oh, so I’m going home right now? Because we were still saying goodbye and I thought I caught a little twinkle-- IZZY Keep looking straight ahead. SFX: click-click of penlight BEN Oh. Wow. That light you’re holding to my eye is very bright.  IZZY (examining) Pupils are contracting but I don’t like that capillary edge. BEN I don’t like any of this. He turns away, blinded. BEN Whoa. I am going to go now, but, ah, we should pick this back up. From right where we left it. Once I get the swelling down. Left eye, swelling shut.  IZZY You should find some ice to put on that. BEN Find some? The whole town is made of ice, ya nut! But, yes - will do that.    Ben turns and tries to open his car but drops his keys. IZZY ... Okay. Ben picks up his keys, BONKING his head on the door. BEN Owww. IZZY Oooo! Are you sure I can’t help? BEN No. I’s fine. Ben opens the door and gets in. BEN (woozy) Great to-great to have date with yous. Bye! IZZY (concerned) ‘Bye. Izzy watches as he drives off, swerving a bit.  INT. CASEY HOME - ENTRYWAY - DAY Izzy enters. SFX: kicking snow off shoes, opening door. Closing door. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) I walked back into my house, after a wonderful date that ended horribly. IZZY Hey, Susan. SUSAN Where were you?! IZZY Bumped into a friend. And then he bumped into... other stuff.    SUSAN I have news. Big news. Grab a seat. Are you sitting?  IZZY You can see I’m not sitting.  SUSAN THEN SIT! Izzy sits down on the stairs. IZZY What’s going on? Finally coming clean about inventing Yan?  SUSAN NOBODY COME IN FOR A SECOND. (then) Never mind, Mom and Dad are upstairs probably doing it. She cranes an ear. They hear GIGGLING SOUNDS from their parents’ bedroom. IZZY Ew. Are they? SUSAN Yep. IZZY So. Gross. SUSAN (breathless) Steve wasn’t lying. He and Nikki are business partners but they are NOT, I repeat, NOT an item. At least not anymore.    IZZY (confused) They’re not? SUSAN I used one of my burner accounts to friend her. IZZY How many social media accounts-- SUSAN So many I keep spreadsheets. But she just got engaged to some Wauwatosa guy and when she posted pics, Steve congratulated her with three party hats.  IZZY That is a non-sexual emoji. SUSAN Yeah - only if you really are happy for them. IZZY So? SUSAN --That means Christmas Steve-- IZZY ... Is single? SUSAN Yep! I mean, it’s weird they’re still that close, but maybe they pulled a Gywneth. IZZY And why are you telling me this? SUSAN Stand up. IZZY What? SUSAN ‘Cause I want you to be happy. Duh! I mean, I give you a hard time, but that’s just what a good sister does. So... what are you gonna do? IZZY About Steve? I dunno. SUSAN Do you still like him? IZZY I think so, but I kinda just went on a date with Ben so-- SUSAN Whoa. The vet? IZZY Yeah. SUSAN You two-timing sloot! IZZY No, I’m not. I thought Steve was taken and Ben asked me out so-- SUSAN Well, then ya got no choice. You have to take Ben to the-- (then singing) --Highway to the Friendship Zone. (then) You’ve gotta go for Christmas Steve! He is the dreamiest guy in town - this might be your only shot to get with a dude like that. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) Susan was right - it might have been my only shot. And Steve was so smooth, and dreamy. My God, he was handsome. But I just had a great time with Ben. He surprised me. We had a real connection and he likes all my weird flaws. Oh, God... I’m so confused and full of breadsticks--and it’s Christmas Eve tomorrow. There’s no time. Which one do I go for?!  MUSIC CUE: Burl Ives - “Silver and Gold” END OF EPISODE 4.