Ep 3 - Reason For The Season

Steve meets the family. Izzy makes a promise. Ben exceeds his heart rate. And everyone eats sausage -ahem- Charcuterie

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Created (and voiced) by real life husband-and-wife Anne Gregory (Parks And Rec) & Sean Casey  (Hollywood Darlings). 

Sound Design, Editing & Mixing - Landon Kirksey 

And featuring the voice talents of:

Izzy Casey - Anne Gregory
Christmas Steve - Patrick McIntyre (The List)
Ben Douglass - Sean Casey
Susan Casey -  Jen Burton (I’m Sorry)
Margaret Casey - Julie Brister (Goliath)
Brendan Casey -  Dave Theune (I Am Not Okay With This)
Various -  Landon Kirksey (TripTank) 

Christmas Steve was recorded Oct/Nov 2020, with each voice actor performing remotely. Series Producer, Landon Kirksey , coordinated performance footage taken on phones, from inside closets, and across three timezones, and blended them together seamlessly to make each scene sound as if it was recorded together. With over 163 pages of scripted material recorded in two-and-a-half weeks, his editing skills are a Real Holiday Miracle.

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Transcript

Christmas Steve - EPISODE 3 INT. CASEY HOME - IZZY’S BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING INTRO MUSIC: Maybe the ‘dreaming’ music from A Christmas Story? SFX: iPhone harp alarm. SLAP. Izzy yawn. IZZY (V.O.) It was the morning after my first, incredible date with Christmas Steve. I woke up with spirits bright, ready to deck the halls. SFX: knock on door. MARGARET (O.S.) --Izzy! Get up, sleepyhead. It’s almost noon. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) But not ready to deck the halls too early. I’m still home for the holidays - a girl needs her beauty rest. And despite being publicly embarrassed in front of my entire hometown of Whitefish Bay, I was making progress in my goal of finding love this Christmas. Five days left until Christmas Eve, but tonight it was time for more Christmas Steve.  Speaking of--  SFX: incoming text whoop. IZZY A text. It’s him! (reading) R U Ready for Magical Date Number two? IZZY (V.O.) Now to craft the perfect response. Something elegant, not too thirsty. SFX: iphone typing. IZZY (while typing) I do enjoy a good number two. SFX: text send whoop. IZZY (V.O.) Oh no... “Number two?” No. No. No! I just texted him about poop. Real “elegant”, Izzy. Oh God-- SFX: DING. Another text. IZZY (reading) Great. C U tonight. SFX: Izzy flops back onto the bed. IZZY Phew! I didn’t ruin things. I just had to keep my eyes on the prize--the prize being Christmas Steve. In order to nab him, I had to focus, not get distracted, give this my entire attention. MARGARET (O.S.) Paging Doctor Casey. You’re needed in the kitchen! INT. CASEY HOME - KITCHEN - DAY NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) I pulled on some sweats and headed downstairs to help do what all ‘normal’ families do at this time of year, begin prepping elaborate meals to eat hours, possibly days, in the future. There’s my Dad. Hi Dad. Who’s dying today? BRENDAN Hey there, Izzy Bear. (then) Kathy Van Hunstill took a turn for the worst last night. Won’t be long now. IZZY  (V.O.) And my Mom. You heard her earlier. Constantly in motion-- MARGARET Here. SFX: Splat. Turkey being tossed on cutting board. MARGARET Stuff this turkey. Easy on the walnuts, but not no walnuts. Laundry’s folded on the couch. IZZY I’ve been home for two days. What are you washing? NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) And my older sister who is also a teenager. (Alt: who is also extra extra)  SUSAN Mo-ommmm! You were supposed to tell me when the dryer was done. You know I like my bras toasty! NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) I love them. I...can’t wait for them to never, ever meet Christmas Steve. And that’s why, I’m thinking, maybe if I pitch in, put in the work, they won’t notice that I’m spending every possible evening away from them. Alright Mr. Turkey, as your primary care provider I must inform you this stuffin’ procedure is entirely necessary. Could you please turn your head and cough. INT. CASEY HOME - DINING ROOM - NIGHT NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) Hours later, with my beautifully sutured turkey-patient fresh out the oven, everyone sat down to dinner. And I prepared to make my escape under cover of gravy. SFX: sounds of dining. Forks on plates, drinking, placing glass back on dining table. IZZY Mmm. That was delicious. Can I be excused? SUSAN Oh, headed off on your big date? NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) So much for that plan. BRENDAN ... What big date? SUSAN Gonna get all gussied up? Paint your face so it doesn’t look as stupid? MARGARET Susan! Her face doesn’t look that stupid. You look very nice, Izzy. IZZY Well, I need to look better than “nice,” Mom. It’s Christmas Steve. SUSAN Then you’re gonna need a full-on face transplant, Face Off-style. Nick Cage. BRENDAN But tonight’s Christmas game night. You’ll miss ‘What the Dickens.’ You used to love that.  IZZY I also used to love N’Sync. People grow up. SUSAN I still love N’Sync. MARGARET It’s fine. Go. I guess we’re just not Izzy’s number one priority anymore. IZZY ... I didn’t say that. MARGARET You didn’t need to. Go. Have fun - even though we only get to see you twice a year. BRENDAN Yes. Have fun, but be careful. Always look up. Those icicles- one falls and it’ll take you right out.  SFX: chair scrape on floor as Izzy gets. IZZY (immune) Will do. Thanks! See ya! SUSAN Heyyyy. Izzy didn’t eat her vegetables.  BRENDAN Focus on your own plate, Susan.  SUSAN YOU NEVER MAKE HER EAT HER VEGETABLES! INT. CASEY HOME - BATHROOM - NIGHT NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) A little prep. Shower. MUSICAL CUE: I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus SFX: shower sound. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) Shave the legs. Trim the ole’... tannenbaum. SFX: shave sound. IZZY (from in shower) Ow! Sweet St. Nick! INT. CASEY HOME - IZZY’S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - LATER NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) A little make-up. French chic. Not influencer contour crazy. Great. Just need a red statement lip and--  SFX: the doorbell rings. IZZY I’m not ready. He’s here. And I’m up here, which means he’s alone with-- oh no! OH NO! INT. CASEY HOME - ENTRYWAY - NIGHT SFX: Door open. STEVE Hi. Izzy home? SUSAN Hiya, Steve. IZZY! IT’S YOUR HAWT DAAAAAATE! IZZY (O.S.) One sec! SUSAN Look, real quick - just wanna acknowledge the awkwardness and get past it. STEVE “Awkwardness.” SUSAN Back in the day you were pretty into me, and I don’t blame ya. But we’re grown-ups now, and you’re obviously settling for my little sister since you couldn’t get with this. If this is some sicko way to try and get me, that’s a duck that can’t drive a truck, Steve. Got it? A duck that can’t drive a truck. STEVE Thank you. I will not attempt that. SFX: Margaret and Brendan walk over. BRENDAN (sizing him up) So this is the Steve. MARGARET Hi, I’m Izzy’s mom. Margaret shakes Steve’s hand. STEVE I remember you, Mrs. Casey. You come into the shop sometimes. MARGARET Yeah, I love all the fun design. A rusty tandem bicycle? Hanging from the ceiling? H’okay..? And call me Margaret. BRENDAN (not impressed) Call me, Mr. Casey. And I don’t care for your coffee because I don’t drink coffee, if you take my drift. SFX: Izzy hurrying down the stairs. IZZY (saving him) Steve! IZZY Hi Izzy. Ready to go? STEVE Sure, I mean we can stay and chat for a bit if you want. BRENDAN Oh, we were just about to play ‘What The Dickens.’ IZZY Please no. BRENDAN It’s a small family Christmas tradition. STEVE Oh yeah. My family always plays Monopoly. BRENDAN We create and act out an original interactive murder mystery using Charles Dickens characters and locations. That’s why we’re all wearing doilies on our heads. STEVE ... Ah. BRENDAN Except the Narrator of course, although that may be a regional preference. Does your family celebrate What The Dickens, Steve? IZZY NOPE! No normal people do. Now, Steve... you were saying we had reservations so let’s get going. Izzy grabs her lilac ski jacket from the closet and quickly puts it on. STEVE (to the Caseys) Great meeting you again! SUSAN (Cockney accent poorly done with Wisconsin accent) Yew shure we can’t tempt you with a round of criminal shenanigans? IZZY (to Steve) Ignore them. (then to family) Bye! Don’t wait up. SFX: front door closing. Reopening. SUSAN (yelling after her in British accent) Steven, come back! A snow man’s been dashed to pieces in Pickwick square! Susan puts a doily on her head. SUSAN A murder most foul! INT. JEEP WAGONEER - NIGHT SFX: both car doors closing. Ignition starting. Steve drives. Izzy looks at him, in awe of his cuteness. IZZY Sorry for my family. They’re... a lot. STEVE Ha. Every family has their little quirks. IZZY Or all of them. Steve laughs. IZZY So, where are we going? STEVE One clue. You won’t need skates this time.  EXT. WHITEFISH BAY TOWN SQUARE - NIGHT SFX: two sets of feet crunching in the snow. STEVE We’re here. IZZY Wow. I forgot how lovely the square looks lit up at night. Like a Christmas card. STEVE If you think this is Christmasy, you might want to hold your horses-- SFX: after a few beats of winter wind, a quiet JINGLING begins and gets louder as it approaches. Also horse hoof- clops. IZZY Are they? Is that-- STEVE Yep. What’s Santa without his sleigh? SFX: the horse drawn sleigh pulls to a stop. Low horse snort. IZZY ... For us? STEVE Unless you’re not into the whole dashing through the snow thing.    IZZY No, it’s... perfect. STEVE Hop in. SFX: climbing into the sleigh. STEVE On Dasher. SFX: with a shake of the reins the sleigh starts up. Jingling. IZZY Oh! Haha. MUSIC CUE: two bars of magical Christmas music. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) It was perfection. The white snow, the lights, the sleigh, the bells... all made even better by the man holding my hand... Christmas Steve. I snuggled up as o’er the fields we go-ed. STEVE Warm enough? IZZY No! Hold me tighter!  (recovering) I mean... I’m warmer now that I’m in your arms. STEVE Something to drink? I have champagne, hot cocoa... IZZY Champagne. Thanks. SFX: cork pop. Pour. STEVE (raising his glass) Here’s a toast... To you, Izzy Casey. They take a sip. STEVE Y’know, I didn’t expect this. Did you? IZZY A ridiculously charming sleigh-ride straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting? Nope! STEVE I mean finding someone like you during Christmas wasn’t even on my radar. IZZY (lying) Me neither. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) Okay, I was fibbing. As you all know, finding my ‘the one’ was very much on my radar. And now it was finally happening. STEVE You’re not like the people I’ve dated before. You’re smart, but, I dunno, easy to be around.  IZZY ... Uh-huh. STEVE Like, most of the women around here, if they’d been lifted by their underwear by a crane in front of the whole town, that’d be it for them. We wouldn’t see them again until Spring. IZZY (false confidence) Yeah. No. Yeah... STEVE And you’re leaving here in less than two weeks, and it doesn’t seem to phase you at all. You’re just happy to be living in the moment, taking it all in-- NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) I was taking him all in. His eyes were so pretty. STEVE I guess I feel we’re the same - Up for the adventure-- IZZY -- And down to... She serves him a “we finish each other’s...sandwiches” moment IZZY ...down to... STEVE Party? Fuuu--? Ha, I don’t? They’re not quite sure what to pick up off what the other one’s laying down. IZZY (forcing happy) WHATEVER! It doesn’t matter! STEVE Yeah. Beat. STEVE I really like that I can be myself around you. IZZY ... Me too. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) Okay, I was fibbing big time now, but who cares?! It was working. Steve took me in his arms, looked straight into my eyes and... and he kissed me. SFX: magical kissing sound. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) It was magical. Like the upside down version of the upside down Spiderman kiss, so better because it was right-side up. Like Ross and Rachel’s first kiss in the rain but better because we were kissing in the snow. STEVE Is this real? You’re feeling this, too? You’re real? IZZY (guilty) Guess I’m just your real Christmas miracle. MUSIC OUTTRO SFX: carriage trots off. IZZY That night I decided two things. One - I could be that person that Christmas Steve was falling for. Not just when I was with him, but all the time from here on out. I would be up for adventure and go with the flow. Even around my intensely embarrassing family. And two - my next date would be indoors! So much snow.    TRANSITION MUSIC INT. CASEY HOME - LIVING ROOM - NEXT DAY UPBEAT CHRISTMAS MUSIC NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) The next morning was shiny and bright, four days out from Christmas. Icicles were forming outside, snow melting a bit in the Winter sun, and inside the cozy and festive Casey home I woke up early, before anyone else, determined to get an early start on being the new Izzy. A healthy mind requires a healthy body, so despite my deep aversion to the weather, I suited up and went for a run.    IZZY (calling out) Back soon! Bye! SFX: door shut. Izzy starts running. Breaths. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD SIDEWALK. SFX: Izzy running. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) Here’s the thing about deciding to become an all new, positive person. The world isn’t exactly always on board with that choice. It’s a concerted effort to maintain this sunny outlook and wow that is a lot of yellow snow. Ew! Like everywhere. And why did these running layers go from super cold to way too hot like immediately? SFX: splash IZZY That was a puddle. Shake it off, Izzy. Puddles happen. Slush happens. You’re on a journey, just be on that journey. Ope, here comes a jogger going the other way. Okay, I’ll move off the sidewalk, into the road and, nope, he’s moving onto the road, too. I’ll move back. And he’s moving back. Pick a lane dude. Oh no... is that guy wearing shorts?  Ben stops in front of her. BEN Hey Liz? LIZ! IZZY Just keep running. Pretend you have earbuds in.  BEN (normal voice as she runs by) How funny we keep “running” into each-- Get it. Running? NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) Just glide on by. BEN Hey, wait up.  IZZY Ekh, he’s turning around. BEN Can you hold on a second? IZZY Sorry! Headphones. BEN No, I’m sorry. SORRY FOR THE OTHER NIGHT! Izzy stops. BEN (pleased) Oh, you heard me. You know having the volume that high on headphones can’t be safe-- IZZY WHAT DO YOU WANT, BEN?! BEN Okay. Time out. First, earlier I said it was just so funny we keep “running” into each other. I didn’t know if you heard that. IZZY Get to the point, Ben! BEN Not a problem. Yes. (clears throat) Do you know how the common guinea pig says they’re sorry? IZZY I don’t have time for this. She starts running. BEN Wait! Okay, I’m going to run alongside you and say what I meant to say. IZZY Suit yourself. Watch your step. BEN Hey, I’m sorry about my apology at your house. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry for the way I said sorry? And also for just now. Sorry. IZZY Apology accepted. It’s okay. I probably overreacted. BEN Could you maybe slow down? IZZY It’s almost Christmas. I’ve got a full day ahead of me. BEN (winded) Right. So what’s... what’s the big plan? Need a hand? I have to say you are pretty speedy. Did you run in college?  IZZY Too busy kicking ass in the library. Izzy notices Steve is wearing shorts. IZZY I see you’re back on the shorts. BEN Oh yeah! You gotta get the run in before the big feastings or the pounds just pack on. You know? Athletes like us. (panting) I’m hearing a lot of warning beeps from my smartwatch and I’m not feeling so hot right now. I might let you let me go.  He drops off. IZZY Happy Holidays, shorts-all-year Ben. BEN (rejuvenated) HAPPY HOLIDAYS, LIZ CASEY! IZZY (shakes head) Weirdo. INT. CASEY HOME - KITCHEN - LATER THAT MORNING Izzy sits at the table, checking email, sipping coffee. She is awake and showered, dressed in jeans and a sweater, with an appropriate amount of make-up. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) I made it back to the house, showered, stretched, got dressed, checked my phone approximately a zillion times, made coffee and breakfast for everyone just in time for my loving family to wake up and meet the new me. Margaret shuffles in, still sleepy. SFX: slippers shuffling across linoleum floor. IZZY Good morning, Mom. MARGARET (startled) AHHHHH! (then concerned) Izzy, you’re up! What’s wrong?! IZZY Nothing a little breakfast won’t fix. MARGARET But it’s the holidays! You sleep in, wearing that ratty old Les Miz hoodie.    IZZY That was the old Izzy. I’d like you to meet me, the new and improved Izzy. But it doesn’t have to be a big deal, mamacita.  MARGARET Oh. Will ‘New Izzy’ be joining us in today’s holiday activities? IZZY Hey, family is the reason for the season, right? Avocado toast? Izzy offers up a slice.  MARGARET Huh. If you’ll excuse me, I’m not sure how I feel about this ‘new’ Izzy. Is this a trick? IZZY It’s not a trick. MARGARET Did you make the avocado sauce spicy? Because you know my G.I. tract can’t handle the heat. SFX: coffee pouring. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) Stay calm, Izzy. Because New Izzy doesn’t get angry at her family, no matter how much they provoke her. SFX: more slippers dragging across linoleum. SUSAN (through yawn) Morning... Izzy, why are you dressed like that? (then) Why is she dressed like that? Mom?! I don’t wanna go to church today. You said we didn’t hafta go to church today!    IZZY Susan, let’s dial down the freakout. I’m just wearing totally normal clothes. SUSAN (dubious) I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. What happened to Les Miz? You  heart that hoodie. IZZY It’s just a sweatshirt. SUSAN ... Oh. I know why you’re dressed like that. (teasing) You wanna look all pretty so somebody wants to have babies with you and go on a honeymoon with you and then get engaaaaged. IZZY Susan, you’re doing the wrong order thing again. SUSAN Pfft. Not anymore. Women can do things in any order they want... as long as they’re in looooove. Brendan rolls in, also wearing his Christmas pajamas. SFX: slippers shuffling. BRENDAN (butting in) Who’s in love? (then noticing Izzy) Izzy? What’s wrong? Are you going to Pam Radke’s funeral? IZZY I DON’T KNOW WHO THAT IS AND NOTHING IS WRONG! I’M JUST DRESSED IN EVERYDAY CLOTHES. GEEZE! SUSAN Whoa. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) Okay, so I exploded a tiny bit. Can you blame me? BRENDAN Why all the anger, Izzy? IZZY I’m not angry. BRENDAN I blame that green toast. It’s more salad than toast. MARGARET Avocados are not the same nutrition as an egg. Can’t be.  BRENDAN You know, they’re the reason Millennials can’t afford houses. MARGARET Oh, I read that article. BRENDAN I just don’t understand young people’s fascination with avocado toast. Look at it. It’s like someone started making a sandwich and then just gave up. A lazy affair all around. IZZY (V.O.) Breathe, Izzy. Breathe. Be the bigger woman. MARGARET I’d try the avocado bread, but I’m afraid. You know what spice does to my stomach. Izzy sighs. IZZY Okay, so you don’t like avocados. No prob. I was just up and got ready to spend a day with my family, who I love. Beat. SUSAN She’s trying to seal the deal with Christmas Steve. IZZY Oh, and how’s your fake Danish boyfriend, Susan? Still invisible? Yeah. Seething silence. Beat. BRENDAN Bob Orth’s kidney stones returned. IZZY Dad, where do you even meet all these people? BRENDAN Hey, speaking of new people I thought we could have breakfast at Steven’s restaurant, deli, coffee shop, charcuterie place today.  IZZY I already made food. BRENDAN Well we didn’t know that, honey. Do you not want us to go? BEAT. MARGARET Oh Brendan, she’s afraid we’d embarrass her in front of her new guy. IZZY (gritted teeth) No. No, I am not afraid of that happening. BRENDAN Oh pish tosh. We’d never embarrass you.  SUSAN We’re not monsters. MARGARET Okay, then, perfect! Casey Family Outing! The car’s already warmed up in the garage. IZZY But you’re still wearing your pajamas-- BRENDAN Nobody cares what we look like. IZZY And Susan’s not wearing a bra. SUSAN Oops, you’re right! Everyone! Synchronize sweaters! MARGARET -- Everyone grab your sweaters, now. IZZY The matching family sweaters? SUSAN Derrr, ya ding-dong! BRENDAN We’re off to Steve’s shop. Yay! SFX: shuffle of chairs and bodies as everyone gets up and leaves. SUSAN H’okay. BRENDAN Grab my hat. Beat. IZZY ...Steve’s shop? MARGARET (from garage) Izzy, we’re waiting on you. IZZY ...coming. INT. PROVISIONS MARKET - DAY SFX: door chime. Hubbub of crowded cafe. IZZY There are places in the world where people stay home around Christmas, nestled safe and sound in bosom of family. Not Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin. Here, everyone’s out to see people and be seen. And, quick reminder, I had been very recently ‘seen’ by this town when a scissor lift gave me an atomic wedgie during the tree lighting ceremony two days ago, placing my Rudolph-themed underwear on display. But that was the past and I didn’t let things like that get to me anymore. So what if I was in a public place, wearing a goofy holiday sweater that had my face hand-sewn on the front? I was confident. I was calm. And I also thought it was best to head this collision off at the pass and prep Steve before my family’s freak parade rolled up.    SUSAN Mom! Dad! Grab us seats. Izzy, find Steve and put in our order while you’re declaring your undying love for him. IZZY Sure. I’ll go do that. BRENDAN Oof. I can’t order. I don’t know what I want yet. SUSAN They have like coffee and sausages-- IZZY (correcting) -- Charcuterie. SUSAN That’s what I said. Sausages. Dad, want one of Christmas Steve’s sausages? BRENDAN Hmmm... Good question. Yes, what kind of sausage does Christmas Steve have? IZZY (annoyed) Dad! I’ll just order a variety and bring them over. MARGARET I’m going to have a look at the bathroom line. IZZY How does that help? Just stakeout a table... please. SUSAN Mom and Dad, bring your ‘A’ game. We are not gonna let a bunch of amateurs get a table before we do. MARGARET Okay. Those people look like they’re almost done eating. SUSAN (snorts) Not at those drink levels. A game, Mom. Geeze! Izzy is now nearing the front of the line. She looks at Steve, foaming milk for a cappuccino. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) I walked over to the counter and saw him, deep in concentration, foaming up a cappuccino. Hot. SFX: walking on wood/tile floor. Coffee machine frothing sounds. STEVE (not seeing her) One sec. What can I get you? IZZY Umm... the charcuterie sampler... and (lower) some over-the-clothes action under the mistletoe? Steve looks up from loud frothing and smiles. STEVE Izzy! Nice surprise and... nice sweater. Did the family come too?  IZZY Yeah. They’re around here somewhere, hangin’ out.  STEVE Great. I’m almost done. IZZY Look at you over there, frothing that milk. I’ll tell you who’s frothing-- everyone here. Frothing at the mouth looking at you.  STEVE (over noise) What? IZZY I SAID -- STEVE I can’t hear. Frothing. What? IZZY I SAID YOU-- SFX: machine whirrs down. IZZY (instantly correcting in volume) YOU LOOK HOT. You-you look good. STEVE Ah. Thanks! NIKKI (O.S.) Babe! A tall woman, stylish woman walks up to Steve, hugs him and kisses him on the cheek. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) “Babe?” Are you wondering who that strange new voice is? Me frickin’ too. Because this ho-ho-ho just stepped out of the kitchen and placed a kiss on my Christmas Steve’s cheek. What I wanted to say was “Who the feliz navidad do you think YOU are?” What I said was. IZZY (shaken) Hi. I’m Izzy.  NIKKI (smiling) Hi. I’m Nikki. Steve’s partner. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) PARTNER. PARTNER?! IZZY Partner. Sweet. Like in the restaurant? Awkward silence. NIKKI Yeah, something like that. Oh, are you-? (to Steve) Is she-? STEVE No. No. That was... NIKKI RIGHT. No, you’re “Izzy.” IZZY Yes, “Izzy!” STEVE Izzy! IZZY Oh, you’ve talked about me. So I “come up in conversation”. NIKKI Yeah! (then) A bit...Yeah. IZZY Yeah. Awkward beat. STEVE My apologies. Let me make an official introduction now. Nikki, this is Izzy. Izzy... my partner Nikki. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) What is going on here? Am I freaking out? Because really we’ve only been on two dates and what does that even mean. Are they a couple and they’re trying to get me to be a throuple? I mean that works for some people fine, but-- STEVE (has been trying to get her attention) Izzy? Izzy! IZZY Yeah. STEVE Nikki was saying-- NIKKI I was saying. Izzy’s a cool name. IZZY Yeah... oh yeah, that’s me. Super cool. NIKKI “Izzy” “Nikki” they sound so similar. Like sisters. IZZY (Tim Robinson-style) I’M A DOCTOR. NIKKI What? IZZY That’s what I do. NIKKI Oh. Okay. NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) What is going on? Who was this woman? I had so many questions, so I started with the ‘subtle’ question--  IZZY So what’s the deal here? Between you two? What’s the, uh, dealio, yo? STEVE Us? No. That was a long time-- NIKKI So long. Ancient history! STEVE --ago. NIKKI Oh my God! Remember that old clunker you used to drive? The memories. IZZY (V.O.) Okay, now she’s just shoving it in my face. So... they obviously made out in ‘clunkers’ in the past, but were they still dating? IZZY So... how does the day-to-day of your ‘partnership’ work? NIKKI Um, we see way too much of each other. I do half of everything. And this big idiot does the other half. IZZY (mean smile) That would explain why you’re half draped all over him. Haha! Awkward pause. NIKKI Is she joking? Oh you’re joking! STEVE She’s joking. Are you joking? IZZY Of course I am! We’re laughing... because I am joking. STEVE Great. Because it seems like you might be a little mad. IZZY Nope. Not mad at you. I’m mad at myself for thinking our thing is something it clearly is not. STEVE Izzy-- IZZY You felt sorry for me. That was it. Poor, ridiculous Izzy, getting strung up by her underwear on the town Christmas tree. She can handle that. She’s ‘down for anything.’ And I can. I can take care of myself.  STEVE That’s not it - IZZY (trying to keep it together) I think I just want to order some food. Yeah. No. Let’s, uh, get an order going. IZZY You both said it at the same time! Because you share so much. Together. Well, Nikki, I think I’ll order from you whatever it is you feel you’re best at. I’d like to know what that is. And from you, Steve, I guess I’ll just be supercool with whatever’s left over you feel I deserve. Because I will make this work. See? Easy Peazy. That’s me. Just like my fam, who I treasure. We are superchill people. SUSAN (O.S.) (laughing triumphantly) --IT’S MINE, LOSERS! THE TABLE IS MINE!!!!! NIKKI Who is that? IZZY That grown woman standing on the table? My sister. I’ll get her down. Izzy turns and walks back over. STEVE I should say something. NIKKI What was that. Izzy gets to the table just as her family is sitting down. IZZY Susan, get down off the table. We have to go... now. SUSAN (straining while climbing down) Do you know how many children I had to elbow to get this spot?    SFX: Thump. IZZY I want to go home. BRENDAN (confused) You don’t want to eat Steve’s sausage anymore? IZZY (scream whispering) NO DAD! IT’S ‘CHARCUTERIE’ AND I WANT TO GO... NOW! BRENDAN Did something happen? Fuming silence. Steve arrives with the charcuterie sampler. STEVE Hey... BRENDAN Hello, Steve. STEVE Sorry to interrupt. And thanks for getting off the table, Susan. I brought you the charcuterie sampler. It’s a bit of everything we have. Compliments of the house. MARGARET Ooh! How nice of you. (then to Izzy) Look at how juicy they look. IZZY (clenched jaw) Mom. Stop it. STEVE On the right is my homemade Prosciutto. On the left is sopressata. In the middle - that’s the big guy - my chorizo. BRENDAN (trilling ‘r’) His chorrrrizo... SUSAN Ooh! So much Christmas Steve sausage... so little time. Izzy silently wills her sister to die. STEVE Anyway, enjoy... and Izzy, we cool? IZZY (lying) .. The coolest. BRENDAN (eating) Ooh! Christmas Steve, your sausage is very spicy. STEVE Uh, thanks. Bye. IZZY Bye. Steve leaves. Susan, Margaret and Brendan dig into the platter. IZZY Can we please stop saying ‘Christmas Steve’s sausage?’ MARGARET Huh. I think Christmas Steve’s sausage is a little on the chewy side... but it has a good mouth-feel. IZZY ... Mom. You have to know what you’re doing right now. MARGARET What? This is his sausage, so it’s only accurate to call it ‘Christmas Steve’s sausage.’ BRENDAN I’m sad, baby. It looks like everyone has gotten the chance to try Christmas Steve’s sausage except you, Izzy. IZZY This is hell. I’m in actual hell right now. BEN (O.S.) Izzy! Izzy turns and sees Ben, wearing an overcoat and drinking a ridiculous coffee drink with whipped cream and candy canes. IZZY Correction. Now it’s hell. Hello, Ben. BEN Hey, Izzy. Casey family. SUSAN You hafta hop onto Christmas Steve’s sausage. MARGARET It just bursts in your mouth. BEN (to Izzy) Are they aware of what they’re saying? IZZY Can’t tell. Does it matter?! BEN Fair enough. I came over because I wanted to show you something underneath my coat.  He opens up his overcoat like a flasher. SFX: fabric whoosh. BEN (proud) Ta-da! Like what you see? IZZY Not you, too, Ben.  BRENDAN Good heavens. BEN They’re pants. And I’m wearing them. And they’re not just any pants, but made of this neat new future-y wicking material.  SUSAN ... Can I touch them? BEN Sure. IZZY Oh my god. SFX: vrrp of Susan rubbing performance fabric. SUSAN Ooh! Comfy. Mom, rub up on Ben’s pants. IZZY Can we all stop talking? BRENDAN I’d like a feel. Here, I’ll put down Christmas Steve’s sausage long enough to get into Ben’s pants. IZZY STOP! NO ONE TALK FOR FOREVER! I THOUGHT I WAS COOL WITH IT, BUT I”M NOT. I’M NOT COOL WITH ANY OF IT! ANY OF IT!!! Gasps and shocked silence. SUSAN (addressing the room) She’s the woman who got pantsed on the scissor lift during the tree lighting.  SFX: Understanding ‘ahs’. Murmurs resume. BRENDAN Well, I guess we should go. Izzy doesn’t want to be ‘seen’ with her ‘embarrassing’ family. MARGARET Box it up, then. Each of you, stick your sausage in my box. I don’t care if it gets messy. I’ll take it all.    IZZY (teen shriek) Ahhhhh! This is death. BEN This crew is fun. BRENDAN Thank you, Ben. We are fun. IZZY Ahhhh! NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.) And just like that, my shining star came crashing down to Earth. I thought Christmas Steve was my one. But it just goes to show you might have the brightest, most beautiful present underneath the tree, but when you go to open it, it’s socks. It socks big time. It all just majorly socks.  END OF EPISODE 3